The Bark Lord and the Invincibility Coke
by nony0mous
Summary: The Bark Lord has a mission for Draco Malfoy. He is to steal the Invincibility Coke from the horrible Ebony, and deliver it safely into the paws if Voldemort. But missions like these never go well.


Inspiration from My Immortal

**I've had 25 disclaimers now, so I would _think_ that you would know that I don't own Harry Potter.**

**However, you are either new to the amazing works of the great nony0mous, or you decided to ignore all 25 of those disclaimers. Either way, I would suggest reading them (again).**

**So now I need to make up for it by making 25 more disclaimers.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter**

**I think I got 25 in there, but I'm too lazy to check it. Ah well. And now one more for this story:**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter**

**Is that enough disclaimers for you?**

* * *

><p>"My lord? You called me?" Lucius Malfoy trembled into the dark room. There was a reclining chair in the center of the room, surrounded by a fire and, oddly, a rubber chew toy. Mounted on a wall was a widescreen TV, which was playing a movie called <em>All Dogs Go To Hell<em>.

There was a low growl, and Lucius jumped back. "Malfoy, I have a job for your son," grumbled a voice. It was coming from the chair, but as the back was facing Lucius, he couldn't see what was sitting in it. But whatever it was, it couldn't be good.

"Draco? W-what do you need him to do?"

"There is an item I need him to get for me. It is of utmost importance, but it is guarded by the most fearsome, horrifying creature on the planet."

"B-but what could be more powerful than you, my lord?"

"Not powerful. But it possesses a talent for torturing. I myself cannot get near it, but your son, Draco, is close to it. He must defeat it, and then he must steal the item and deliver it to me. And if he fails, I will personally make sure that he will be punished most severely."

Lucius was shaking uncontrollably now.

"So what is this creature, and what is the item you wish to have?"

The air suddenly got colder, and the fire dimmed. The atmosphere grew noticeably darker, and the smell of french fries filled the air. Wormtail scuttled into the room, holding a silver platter. "Y-y-your d-dinner is read-dy, m-my l-l-l-lord," he mumbled, and laid the platter on the floor. He quickly walked away.

The chair swiveled around. Sitting in it was a dog.

"The creature's name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. The item is the Invincibility Coke. Draco will not fail. If he does... then you shall both feel the wrath of the Bark Lord."

And the dog howled at the moon.

Then he began eating his dinner.

* * *

><p><em>Inside the Great Hall we could see Dumbledork. Cornelia Fudged was there shouting at Dumbledore. Doris Rumbridge was there too.<em>

_"THIS CANNOT BE!" she shouted angrily. "THE SCHOOL MUST BE CLOSED!"_

_"THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!" yelled Cornelia Fudge._

_"YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER!" yelled Rumbridge. "YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST RETRY OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!"_

_"Very well." Dumbledore said angrily. "Butt we cannot do this. We can't close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the school. And her name is…..Enony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way."_

- My Immortal, Chapter 22

* * *

><p>Draco read the letter in disbelief.<p>

He had just received the letter, which he had initially assumed was his weekly snack package. But there was no delicious cake inside it; rather, there were instructions outlining his quest to steal some old bottle of coke. He looked up and down the table in the Great Hall: there was his target. Ebony. The most disgusting goth you could find. Somehow, he was supposed to get to her and steal this "invincibility coke," but you would have to be a Gary Stu to get to Ebony...

Or he could just give her the jinxed Hot Topic outfit that had conveniently came with his package.

"Hey Ebony!" he shouted.

"What's up, Draco?" she asked.

"Nothing," he said. Now he just had to hand over the clothes...

But then her friends called her away.

_Wait,_ Draco thought. _Ebony doesn't _have _friends. So how could they call her away if they don't exist?_

* * *

><p>[Insert horribly written FanFiction named <span>My Immortal<span> here]

* * *

><p><em>"Acco Nevel's wand!11" cried Voldrimort nd suddenly Nevil's wind was in his hands. "Now I shall kill thee all and Evony u will die!11111"<em>

_He maid lighting come all over da place._

_"Save us Ebony!" Dumbledark cried._

_I cried sexily I just wanted 2 go 2 the commen room and slit my wrists with mi friends while we watched Shark Attak 3 and Saw 2 and do it with Draco but I knew I had 2 do somefing more impotent._

_"ABRA KEDABRA!11111" I shooted._

- My Immortal, Chapter 44

* * *

><p>There was a blinding light. Ebony rose up into the air, and a crack opened up in the ground. Satan, the devil, came up out of it and personally strangled Ebony to death. Satan grabbed her and hurled her into the ground, as it closed up, incinerating Ebony. The souls of the goths were released, and confetti flew into the air. A unicorn came running in with a kazoo to play music a trample the ashes of Ebony Way, and the giant squid also came to make a kazoo duet. They were dancing, and singing, and moving to the grooving – well, everyone except Voldemort and Draco, who were mysteriously missing.<p>

Draco ran to the Slytherin common room. He found Ebony's clothes, which she had helpfully left in the middle of the room so everyone could see them. He searched through her clothes, but couldn't find that coke. He thought. _Where would and idiot put her invincibility coke? _And then he knew: she had left it back in time with Voldemort.

Luckily, Marty McFly hadn't realized that the story was over, so he gladly lent his time-traveling DeLorean to Draco. He poured some blood into the flux capacitor and went back in time to Voldemort to steal the coke back. Then he remembered that Voldemort had come back to the present, but Marty had already driven off.

He went to Dumbledore to get a Time-Turner. He also hadn't realized that My Immortal had ended, and was listening to an iPod.

"Draco? Your father is Lucius? Well, you are in quite a predicament. The Ministry of Magic is currently out of Time-Turners, but fortunately for you, I know an alternative to get back to the present. It involves a diabolical potion by the name of The Idiot Savant. To make it, you must gather a quart each of the milk of a goat and the blood of a duck. You then chop up a cup of unseasoned fries, add a pinch of brain tissue, and finally put in one sheet of regular tissue. You stir this all for exactly 26 minutes and 41 seconds. Preheat the oven to 392 degrees Celsius and cook the potion until it turns golden brown. Take it out, mash it up, and put it back in until it turns purple. Let it cool for 9 hours, then defrost it in a microwave on high. Eat it with crackers and a grain of salt. Afterwards, go get a good night's sleep. When you wake up, you must immediately drink a glass of warm – but not hot – milk, and then stab yourself in the heart three times with a steak. This will cause you to throw up. Take the puke, reheat it, and frost it with raspberry jam (you could use other types of jam, of course, but raspberry is the best.) Pour it on the ground, wait overnight, and a Time-Flower will grow, which, when eaten, can return you to whatever time you wish."

Draco wrote all this down. "Thank you, sir. But now I need to go. So I'm going to tie you up now, and maybe in the future we'll see each other." He waved his wand casually, and ropes sprouted from Dumbledore's chair and bounded him to it.

He climbed up a mountain to find a goat. There, he found a lonely goatherd yodeling, and was so moved by the experience that he wrote a song about it. But that's a completely other story. He stole the quart of the goat's milk. He went on to steal all of the other ingredients – except the raspberry jam, of which there was a shortage, and nobody had. He went back to Dumbledore's office.

"I've searched for SEVEN YEARS to find the ingredients for this potion. And guess what? THERE IS NO RASPBERRY JAM! You miserable old coot! You gave me a recipe that YOU CAN'T MAKE! I should tear you apart, limb by limb, some 'Idiot Savant," now I don't have a Time-Flower, and I'll - "  
>"Wait," interrupted Albus. "You wanted a Time-Flower? Why didn't you just ask? I had a whole storage of them right here, let me give one to you."<p>

He looked inside a cupboard, but SURPRISE! All of the Time-Flowers had died! But then Harry Potter walked in.

"There you are Draco, I received a summons by someone named Spot Riddle. Says he wants to see you." He turned around and left.

"But – but Harry's from the future!"

Dumbledore seemed to have gone temporarily deaf.

"And Professor? Do you happen to have an invincibility coke?"

Dumbledore rolled his eyes. "What person would ever be caught withnout an invincibility coke? Of course I have one, I'll be happy to lend it to you-"

"YES!"

"For a fee of 50,000 Galleons, plus shipping and handling."

Draco took out his cell phone.

"Daddy? Yes, I need another blank check. Thanks."

Poof! A blank check appeared in Malfoy's hands. He filled it in.

_To Santa. From Draco._

Dumbledore, as usual, did not notice the message on the check. But mysteriously, five days later, he Dumbledore was absent from the school, replaced by Santa Claus.

* * *

><p>"My Lord. I have it."<p>

Draco had easily located the coke after he remembered that he was a wizard and used _accio_. That was the easy part. Now he needed to hand it over to the Bark Lord. That wasn't the easy part. (Which means it was the hard part.)

"The Coke... give it to me, and I will spare you," breathed the Bark Lord. He sounded like Darth Vader, but that was a different lord.

"But why do you need it?" asked Draco curiously.

But Voldemort suddenly became interested in chasing his own tail.

"Woof!" he yelled happily.

Then he regained his composure.

"Do you think I was always a dog? Wormtail, go fetch me the Flashback Potion.

"_A long time ago, Voldemort was a great and amazing wizard. He was loved by all, and he ruled the mortals with a soft heart. But one day, while doing one of his random acts of evil, an evil witch saw him and turned him into a Muggle. He was horrified, but the witch told him that unless he found true love, he would never, ever return to normal unless he fell in love. Well, the world was cruel, and nobody fell in love with Voldemort. He promptly turned into a llama, then a turtle, then a llama-turtle, then finally his form rested on a dog. He searched forever for a way out – and then he found how. He made a group of followers called the Death Dealers and sent them on a mission to find out a solution, and he realized that the only way he could escape the dog form was to drink the invincibility coke. The End._

"Now, my fellow idiots, do you understand why I need the Coke? Now, hand it over, and rub my belly."

Malfoy complied.

"Good. Now, where is the Idiot Savant?"

Draco looked at the Cocker Spaniel in disbelief and confusion.

"What?"

"The Idiot Savant, it's the potion! If I don't have it in a minute after I have the Coke, then... well, where is it?"

Draco's mouth dropped. But then he noticed that something was happening to the Bark Lord. He was morphing...

"Shut up you preps!" Ebony stuck her middle finger up, then realized she had done pointed it at Draco.

"Why did you do it?" she whined. "It's all your fault!"

The Bark Lord was no more. He was now Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way.


End file.
